COME ON, PEOPLE!!!

This awesome, amazing and intelligent advice blog has moved to www.askdescamp.com

Please visit me there!  Help me get page views so I can make my dreams come true, namely: writing harsh truths, as I see them, and making enough money to pay for my dog grooming.

This Advice Blog is Moving!

Sorry, Blogspot, but you kind of suck.  Based upon the advice of several friends who know about this sort of thing, I have moved my blog to WordPress.  The best part is, I now have my own domain!  Please go to www.askdescamp.com for future blogs, which I hope to update once per day until my traffic increases by 500%, at which point I will post twice per day whenever possible.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me in this endeavor.  In just three days, my blog has garnered over 500 hits.  If I can take that growth and continue it in the same fashion, I will get some advertisers and monetize the blog.  It's not that I'm greedy, but a girl needs to earn a living for food, the mortgage, and shoes shoes shoes!

I have been a very unhappy lawyer for 15 years, and I finally decided to stop pounding my square peg into the round hole of the law (ew, that sounds sort of gross).  Dreams can come true if you believe in yourself and what you are doing, so here we go!

Finally, once I make it big (and you will know when that happens), I am taking my first 20 WordPress followers to Hawaii.  I'm really not kidding.  Check me out at www.askdescamp.com and officially follow the blog.  I predict within two years we will be celebrating at the Four Seasons in Maui, raising a glass and toasting to a long-delayed but much deserved career success.

Mine.  I'm talking about me.  Duh.

Of course, it's possible I could be living in a homeless shelter or in a van down by the river.  Let's hope not.

Breaking is Hard to Do, plus Dick Pics

Dear Robin:

Here's my conundrum. I currently have a friend that I might almost call my best friend as we have known each other for a long time and have gone through many ups and downs through the course of our friendship. But upon further reflection I see that I am there to help with her issues but my issues fall to the wayside. She's a really good person and I love her but I think she doesn't have the ability to acknowledge that friendship is a sharing environment and a giving environment. Frankly I'm growing weary of every conversation being about her issues so I've had an epiphany that this is not a good relationship for me.  How do I slowly separate myself from this person without having hurt feelings?

Hurting in Huntsville

Dear Hurting:

Breaking up with a friend can be difficult, but it doesn't have to be.  More on that later.

Your letter says that you don't think she (I assume you are both women because men don't give a shit about this crap) can participate in a symbiotic friendship. Well, you didn't say exactly that, but I like to show off my big vocabulary so I am paraphrasing.  What your letter doesn't say is whether or not you have addressed this issue with her in a direct and honest manner.  If you have, and she simply isn't interested in or capable of change, dump her using the DesCamp Friend Extraction Method ™ (patent pending) described below.

My question for you is this: if you have not broached this subject with your friend, why not?  It isn't fair to make an assessment about a person's capacity for change without first giving them the chance to rectify whatever is bothering you.  In fact, it's kind of assholish.  You say she is a very dear friend and a good person, but if you haven't bothered orchestrating a sit-down with her to discuss your feelings, I'd say it is you, not her, who isn't a good friend.

Some people are so mired in their own shit that they can't see the shit that other people are struggling with.  When these people find friends that allow them to do a daily diatribe dump, they take advantage.  I've been the dumper and I've been the dumpee, and I am grateful to a certain friend of mine who called me on it and made me see that friendships, unlike the Back Door, are supposed to go in two directions (sorry guys, never gonna like that).

So, Hurting, give her a chance.  Tell her exactly what you told me, using the word "symbiotic" because it's cool, and see how things go for a while.  It's really the least you can do.

If you have already had this discussion with her, I apologize for calling you an asshole, but it's not my fault your letter did not contain a full representation of the facts.  Anyhoo, if you've delved into the matter and she just doesn't get it, I suggest using the DesCamp Friend Extraction Method ™.  Here's how it works:

1. Reduce your availability to this person by not immediately returning phone calls, emails, texts and the like.  This process should be gradual so as not to set off their Friend Dump Radar. 

2. When she asks you if you are mad at them, say, "no, why would you think that?" and pretend like nothing is wrong.

3. Change your hairstyle and method of dress so if she sees you on the street, she won’t recognize you.  If you have a dog, take the dog to the pound and get a new dog for the same reason.  May I suggest a Labradoodle?

4. Consider moving to Argentina.

Or, you know, you could just be straight with her like you would if this was a romantic relationship.  It's strange to me that we struggle so hard with how we end close friendships, trying to slip away unnoticed and hoping that we can separate ourselves from another person surreptitiously.  People don't do that when they get divorced...that would be weird. 

"Hey Mom, where's Dad?  I haven't seen him in months." 

"Gee Timmy, now that you mention it, neither have I!  How odd!"

Tell her how you feel and that you need a break (if this was an acquaintance, I wouldn't suggest being so direct - if you would like advice on the DesCamp Acquaintance Avoidance System ™, please email me).

See what happens.  Maybe your friend will take some time to reflect on her behavior and she will renew your friendship under terms that are satisfying to you both.  If she doesn't, you are better off without her.  Selfish friends can be draining on your emotional bank account, and they just aren't worth it.

-Robin

Dear Robin:

I have a sexting addiction.  Recently, even though I lost my job and nearly lost my family due to my proclivities, I began an online relationship with a woman (let's call her Perth Linens).  She outed me, and now I lost the chance at a job I was close to getting and I'm pretty sure my wife is leaving me today.  What should I do?  How can I curb this addiction to sending random women pictures of my junk?  I really want to change, but how?

-AW in NYC

Dear AW:

Seeing as how you attached a photo of your dick to the email you sent me, I think you are beyond hope.  Get a job in porn and leave me alone.

Sex and Politics

Dear Robin:

My husband and I are having an ongoing, long-term disagreement about sex.  We are both in our early 40s; I am a stay-at-home mom to three kids (ages 7-14) and he works 50+ hours per week as an engineer.

The problem, in a nutshell, is that I don’t want to have sex nearly as often as he does.  I spend all day taking care of the kids and the home, and frankly I am just too tired to think about sex most nights.  I just want to read my book, surf the Internet, and go to bed early.

I go along with his desire about 3 times a month, but he is unhappy and unsatisfied.  He wants to have sex 2-3 times a week – are you kidding me?

Robin, how do I get my husband off my case and make him appreciate the physical relationship we have?

Signed,

Annoyed in Arizona

Dear Annoyed:

I thought about how to respond to your question for several hours yesterday.  Some suggestions I had been thinking about were probably what you and countless others have read in other advice columns: Spice it up!  Rent a sexy movie!  Make special time for each other!

Then I realized, the answer to your problem is really pretty simple.  Honey, you gotta fuck your husband.

From your letter, I gathered the following: you do not have a job, and all of your three children are in school, so you have several hours throughout the day all to yourself.  Your husband works at a difficult job and, lucky you, is still interested in a physical relationship with his wife.  My guess is that he doesn’t just want to get his rocks off; he wants to connect with you both physically and emotionally, and sex is a way to do that.

Or maybe not.  Maybe the dude is just horny.  But here’s the thing: sex is an important part of any long-term relationship.  People who think they will still be climbing-the-walls hot for each other after several years and some kids together are fooling themselves.  Sometimes it’s a struggle just to complete the act.  But complete the act you must, and here’s why:

If you don’t fuck your husband, someone else will.  

The same goes for husbands, obviously.  We can wring our hands and clutch our pearls, and whine about how both parties should be equally interested in engaging in the Act, but the fact is, we aren’t always on the same wavelength with our partner on a host of issues, including sex.  But the spouse who continually waves off the advances of his or her partner will someday realize: “hey, he/she hasn’t tried to get in my pants for a while.  That’s odd!”

It’s not odd – they just got tired of rejection and went somewhere else for affection.  

So, Annoyed in Arizona, I suggest you figure out a way to find a compromise with your husband and get excited about Sexy Time, or learn how to fake it if you want to stay married.

Also: Spice it up!  Rent a sexy movie!  Make special time for each other!

Good luck,

-Robin

Dear Robin:

I am in a tough spot.  Someone I know did something really awful to several members of their own family.  Everyone is demanding that I stand up to them and hold them accountable, but I have my own problems at home.  What should I do?  Should I intervene, or should I just let them work it out on their own and stay out of it?

B.O from D.C.

Dear B.O.:

I don’t envy you.  You have been put in a terrible position and no matter which way you go you will piss off a host of people.  I suggest you hold off for the time being, and if they do it again, go kick some ass.

-Robin

Our premiere column!

HERE IT IS! My first answer in my new advice column! PLEASE continue to send me your questions via email at robindescamp@yahoo.com and help me start my new career.

First, let me get the legal mumbo jumbo out of the way. I am not a doctor or a licensed therapist and I am not providing medical information or guidance, so don’t even think about suing me for malpractice if your life turns to shit after following my advice. I can’t get insurance for this fledgling column, so if you are looking for deep pockets, you will have to buy some cargo pants.

Yes, I am a lawyer, but I am not YOUR lawyer. Any mention of the legal system and how I would approach your problem were I standing in your shoes (and they better be nice shoes, because I really like shoes) is not legal advice, it is simply advice. While I relish the idea of having a confidante/advisor relationship with anyone who seeks a pithy and irreverent take on his or her issue, I am not interested in an attorney-client relationship with anyone. Been there, done that. It’s not you; it’s me.

You, reader, hereby absolve me of any liability for your use of this column. If you do try to sue me, not only will I come after you in perpetuity for my legal fees and costs associated with my defense, I will also unfriend you on Facebook. So there.

And now, without further ado, here is our first letter!

Dear Robin, I am a 54 year old man, divorced for 9 years with two grown children. I am successful, hardworking, and I take good care of myself. However, I am currently struggling with a problem that I'd like your take on. My ex-wife was awarded permanent alimony in our divorce, which means I will have to pay her monthly until one of us dies. While the amount is not financially devastating, it certainly impacts my life in many negative ways. Lately, I have found myself wondering: what woman in her right mind would ever want to marry someone with a permanent alimony award obligation? Although I am not even certain I want to get remarried, I worry that future potential partners will be turned off by my obligations to my former wife. What are your thoughts? BH

Dear BH (if that is indeed your real name):

Given my involvement with the alimony reform movement, I am not surprised that the first question I received in my new advice column endeavor would touch upon this subject. To say that I am familiar with the issue you face is the understatement of the century. First I will address the touchy-feely personal issue, and then I’ll give you a little advice on logistics.

Squishy stuff: You sound like a nice guy: stable, a good job, and a support network. I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out, unless she was mean to you or denied you affection, in which case, more power to ya, Single Guy.

After years of supporting someone else, and with the sentence of continuing to support your ex for the remainder of your life, may I offer the following suggestion? DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH A PRINCESS! A princess will expect you to always foot the bill and will avoid an alimony payer at all costs. Do not fret; these are not the droids you want.

Any woman who would turn her nose up at you because of the alimony is EXACTLY the type of woman you do not want in your life. The right one for you, BH, will fall in love with the man you are, not the wallet or the hole within it caused by your ex.

By now, you should have had enough of takers and dependents - you will find a woman who loves and supports you despite the screwed up system that keeps you financially entangled with your ex into perpetuity. You will find a woman who works, pays her own way, and expects nothing from you but love, respect and friendship in return. Trust me, it will happen!

Ask your friends if they know anyone interesting that you might get along with, or take the plunge as I did and create a profile on a dating website. Approach the dating process with an open mind, and have fun.

OK, now the logistical part:

When you do meet someone you are serious about, be up front with her about your obligation and how it affects your life. This is not an issue you want to hide until your wedding night (or no nooky for you!). If you do find someone you want to share a home with, either married or simply cohabitating, your alimony obligation can have an impact on your new love’s life, so plan accordingly. How?
1. Maintain utterly separate finances;
2. If you marry, get a prenuptial agreement to protect yourself and your new spouse;
3. If you cohabitate, get a cohabitation agreement;
4. Keep a good set of financial records in preparation for future modification proceedings.

www.oprah.com/relationships/Second-Marriage-Finances

BH, love is out there waiting for you. The alimony is already taking a big enough bite out of your enjoyment of life; don’t let it discourage you from seeking a new partner. The type of woman who can live with this issue, and perhaps help you fight it in the future, will bring you much happiness and joy. Best of luck, and please update me as you move along in the dating world.

-Robin

Dear Robin:

I am worried about my sister.  Up until recently, she was a pretty successful professional (lawyer), earning good money and doing what she was trained to do via three years of law school.  About a week ago, after practicing law for 15 years and after a particularly strange 6 month temporary stint at a local company, she suddenly decided she wanted to be more "creative."  I fear she has delusions that her new project is going to take off and give her everything she wants: a job in which she can basically be a mouthy bitch and tell people what to do, plus big money when she "goes viral," whatever that means.

Should I stage an intervention?  Do you think she has lost her mind?  Why can't she just go back to what she was doing before?  I know she wasn't happy, but at least she was engaged in something that generated a good income and wouldn't embarrass the family.  What is your advice?

JM

Dear JM:
Fuck off.  And I'm writing you out of the will.