Our premiere column!

HERE IT IS! My first answer in my new advice column! PLEASE continue to send me your questions via email at robindescamp@yahoo.com and help me start my new career.

First, let me get the legal mumbo jumbo out of the way. I am not a doctor or a licensed therapist and I am not providing medical information or guidance, so don’t even think about suing me for malpractice if your life turns to shit after following my advice. I can’t get insurance for this fledgling column, so if you are looking for deep pockets, you will have to buy some cargo pants.

Yes, I am a lawyer, but I am not YOUR lawyer. Any mention of the legal system and how I would approach your problem were I standing in your shoes (and they better be nice shoes, because I really like shoes) is not legal advice, it is simply advice. While I relish the idea of having a confidante/advisor relationship with anyone who seeks a pithy and irreverent take on his or her issue, I am not interested in an attorney-client relationship with anyone. Been there, done that. It’s not you; it’s me.

You, reader, hereby absolve me of any liability for your use of this column. If you do try to sue me, not only will I come after you in perpetuity for my legal fees and costs associated with my defense, I will also unfriend you on Facebook. So there.

And now, without further ado, here is our first letter!

Dear Robin, I am a 54 year old man, divorced for 9 years with two grown children. I am successful, hardworking, and I take good care of myself. However, I am currently struggling with a problem that I'd like your take on. My ex-wife was awarded permanent alimony in our divorce, which means I will have to pay her monthly until one of us dies. While the amount is not financially devastating, it certainly impacts my life in many negative ways. Lately, I have found myself wondering: what woman in her right mind would ever want to marry someone with a permanent alimony award obligation? Although I am not even certain I want to get remarried, I worry that future potential partners will be turned off by my obligations to my former wife. What are your thoughts? BH

Dear BH (if that is indeed your real name):

Given my involvement with the alimony reform movement, I am not surprised that the first question I received in my new advice column endeavor would touch upon this subject. To say that I am familiar with the issue you face is the understatement of the century. First I will address the touchy-feely personal issue, and then I’ll give you a little advice on logistics.

Squishy stuff: You sound like a nice guy: stable, a good job, and a support network. I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out, unless she was mean to you or denied you affection, in which case, more power to ya, Single Guy.

After years of supporting someone else, and with the sentence of continuing to support your ex for the remainder of your life, may I offer the following suggestion? DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH A PRINCESS! A princess will expect you to always foot the bill and will avoid an alimony payer at all costs. Do not fret; these are not the droids you want.

Any woman who would turn her nose up at you because of the alimony is EXACTLY the type of woman you do not want in your life. The right one for you, BH, will fall in love with the man you are, not the wallet or the hole within it caused by your ex.

By now, you should have had enough of takers and dependents - you will find a woman who loves and supports you despite the screwed up system that keeps you financially entangled with your ex into perpetuity. You will find a woman who works, pays her own way, and expects nothing from you but love, respect and friendship in return. Trust me, it will happen!

Ask your friends if they know anyone interesting that you might get along with, or take the plunge as I did and create a profile on a dating website. Approach the dating process with an open mind, and have fun.

OK, now the logistical part:

When you do meet someone you are serious about, be up front with her about your obligation and how it affects your life. This is not an issue you want to hide until your wedding night (or no nooky for you!). If you do find someone you want to share a home with, either married or simply cohabitating, your alimony obligation can have an impact on your new love’s life, so plan accordingly. How?
1. Maintain utterly separate finances;
2. If you marry, get a prenuptial agreement to protect yourself and your new spouse;
3. If you cohabitate, get a cohabitation agreement;
4. Keep a good set of financial records in preparation for future modification proceedings.

www.oprah.com/relationships/Second-Marriage-Finances

BH, love is out there waiting for you. The alimony is already taking a big enough bite out of your enjoyment of life; don’t let it discourage you from seeking a new partner. The type of woman who can live with this issue, and perhaps help you fight it in the future, will bring you much happiness and joy. Best of luck, and please update me as you move along in the dating world.

-Robin

Dear Robin:

I am worried about my sister.  Up until recently, she was a pretty successful professional (lawyer), earning good money and doing what she was trained to do via three years of law school.  About a week ago, after practicing law for 15 years and after a particularly strange 6 month temporary stint at a local company, she suddenly decided she wanted to be more "creative."  I fear she has delusions that her new project is going to take off and give her everything she wants: a job in which she can basically be a mouthy bitch and tell people what to do, plus big money when she "goes viral," whatever that means.

Should I stage an intervention?  Do you think she has lost her mind?  Why can't she just go back to what she was doing before?  I know she wasn't happy, but at least she was engaged in something that generated a good income and wouldn't embarrass the family.  What is your advice?

JM

Dear JM:
Fuck off.  And I'm writing you out of the will.